Thursday, September 6, 2012

MIddle school and such

1 a archaic : to check, test, or verify by evidence or experiments b : to incorporate suitable controls in <a controlled experiment>
2a : to exercise restraining or directing influence over : regulate b : to have power over : rule c : to reduce the incidence or severity of especially to innocuous levels <control an insect population> <control a disease>
Sometime a few years ago, The princess of Pop Janet Jackson broke away from her controlling father and family and performed what would be the anthem for all 17 and newly 18 year olds! Amidst the keyboard guitar solos and the cabbage patch you had a song about proclaiming your freedom and taking control of your life.  In my humble opinion Janet had it right! Join with me as I sing "Controoolll, to get what I want, Controooll, I've got to have a lot, Cooonntrrooll NOW I'M ALL GROWN UP! Whew" Ok I'll just put the link up.

This has been a really hard post to write for me. I'm not really sure why but I'm absolutely tired of learning the lesson so I'm just going to write whats on my minds heart and see what happens. I am going to relinquish control.

The last few weeks I have become a mantra repeating mother telling my daughter "You can only control what you can control, and what can you control?"  She had a lot of anxiety about school, some family issues and a new apartment we moved to. I spent most of our time together listening to her issues and reminding her of how little control she had over the situations. And then.

Last week, my daughter started middle school and she was having a hard time making friends. My first instincts were to go fix it. To call the counselor to send a letter to a teacher or something to help the situation. I would give it a little bit of time, and then I would do what a mother does, and fix whatever is broken.  On the 3rd day of school, tiredness and anxiety is kicking in hard core, and my daughter starts to cry on our walk to school. She's worried about so much and there is so little we can do.

After a few encouraging words and a hug I left her at school and proceeded my walk to work. I was 3 feet from the school when I started crying. Not just a few tears but hard ugly shaking sobs of despair, anger and fear. I was sad my baby was hurting I was worried that it wouldn't get better and I was pissed off that my phone didn't have the counselor's number so I could call him on my walk to tell him to do his job and help my baby. I was a mess but I walked my daily mile to work, head down crying and praying to God to send my baby a friend or something to last her until I could get up there to fix everything.

When I got to work my coworker and I were talking about our mornings and I shared my worries. She looked at me and said "Cynethia, you can't control it, you have to let it go" I would love to be able to tell you that I let it go then, that I decided to relinquish my control but I didn't. Instead I secretly drafted a plan of attack for the just in case I'm needed situation. I decided not to go up there to fix it but to get my ducks in a row just in case. At dinner that night I was informed that she made a friend, somebody sat with her a lunch. She was content. How ever, this was still not enough for me. I wanted a lifelong friendship for her I had high hopes for her relationships. She spoke very little about these friends but she didn't hate the apartment or school as much. So my plan was to wait it out. 

Then today, as I dropped her off at school, there stood 2 little girls, waiting for my daughter. They were excited to see her and they didn't even notice me standing there. They saw each other and started talking instantly. My Daughter left me standing there no bye mom, no hug nothing... she just left me to go with her friends.

I'm not sure what the outcome will be I'm not sure if they will be friends I approve of. I don't even know what type of parents they have. But I do know when and if I relinquish control to the one that's already in control it makes it easier for me to cope. I know that I can't control what I can't control. I used this tactic last weekend when I dropped my brother off to college in Maine (Outside of the 4 hour radius rule I given each of my siblings) I used this when Toni brought home a puppy that I SPECIFICALLY told her NOT to buy. And even with this blog, wanting my posts to be great and interesting, trying to control the events in my life to bring about a more thought provoking post. I have decided to relinquish control. Whatever  may be will be.  I can only control what I can control.