I have been putting this post off for at least 2 weeks. I've had a hard time finding a way to get out all my thoughts and feelings on the subject without this being a 12 page dissertation on unexpected events and crappy lives. Out of anger at recent events in my life I was unable to verbalize all I wanted to say in a way that was interesting and uplifting. Then I spent a few days with one of my brothers, and this morning it all made a little more sense so I'm going to try again.
Growing up my life was somewhat normal, or at least I thought. I was unaware of how abnormal my life was. I might be the only person that could watch an after school special or sit through D.A.R.E. presentations and think, "Wait, what? That's not normal?" I think I am the reason we had those assemblies, the teachers and staffs wanted to make ME aware of how abnormal my life really was. You realize they don't have them anymore? Because I'm fully aware of what crazy is now! It's ok, your welcome.
My first brother came around when I was 9, we were solo for a few years until my mother had twin girls. One of the twins died at 7 months. My mother took self medicated to deal with the grief for a few years then my baby brother was born soon there after she had the last baby girl. 5 kids 3 girls 2 boys. (Side note: A few years ago I found out I had a sister by my birth father she's a few years younger than me. So I actually have 3 sisters. Though I only grew up with 2)
My mom and I were a good team, she worked, I cooked. I took care of the kids, she paid the bills. Not very complicated always but hard nonetheless. We went through a lot, and still do! We haven't spent a Christmas or any holiday together in at least 3 or 4 years. Some years ago, the baby girl was diagnosed with Lymphoma. I'm happy to say she proceeded to kick cancers ass & now she's a cancer survivor at 15! We have a web of baby daddy drama so hilarious that Maury himself would need a power point presentation and diagrams to fully understand. Growing up 90% of the stuff in our house was either broken or modified somehow, when I say modified think duct tape and paperclips. I remember when I went to the store to buy furniture and appliances for my first apartment, thinking, Wow - I never had a new Microwave, coffer maker or even a working can opener. Can you imagine my 14 year old self opening 4 cans of chef boy r dee with a knife? Life was hard, but comical!
The Bible says a merry heart is good like medicine, and I truly believe laughter kept us out of therapy all those years. At night we would put on plays & musical productions for my mother. One of our favorite scenes was one from Lion King. Do you remember close to the end when Timon and Pumba tries to sneak Simba back to Pride rock? They dress in drag and do the hula? Yep, we remade that better than any Broadway play! I would also do small private scenes for my mother before bed, such as but not limited to: standing in line, being a tree, Old lady walking, and mowing the lawn - I think being a tree was her favorite!
Somehow in the midst of the crazy, (trust me there was LOT of crazy, domestic violence, drug abuse, molestation, you name it we dealt with it) we all have come out somewhat "normal" we have clear visions of who we are, we love and respect our parents (known and unknown) we tend to give more than usual to the unfortunate, we love each other and fight for each other, we cry together and laugh a LOT. After talking to my brother this weekend I realized we all understand and accept that bad things happen, so you might as well have a good day. Not only is it a waste of time crying of spilled milk, it's a LOT more fun to laugh at the way it fell down and the person who dropped it's face when it happened!
These past weeks have been hard, not just for me but it seems like for a lot of people around me too. Deaths, money woes, sicknesses and lots of questions to God about situations. All I can offer is prayer and the assurance of these Three things, 1. $hit happens, it has to. It's not personal, it's just crap. It's going to happen again. You will be ok. 2. There is not only a reason, but a GOOD reason for it! When my sister passed away my mother listened to a Zhane song frequently that says everything happens for a reason. The Bible goes a step further, Rom 8:28 says: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.& 3. Understanding the reasons are not as important as you may think. God is Sovereign, He does whatsoever He wants when and how he wants.The Word says in Ecc 11:5 As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.
I can't begin to tell you why the crap happens, I can't explain 9/11 or Katrina, I can't explain why babies die on mothers birthday's or why fighting the men that beat my mother was a pass time of mine for a few years in my life. I can't tell you why nor do I understand, what the hell cancer or asthma or heart disease are even needed for nor why they are not yet cured. I don't know why old people or kids or nice people die. I don't know. What I do know is there is a GOOD reason. I also know, it's typically a waste of time to try to figure out said reason & it's much easier to just trust there is a good reason.
Nobody said it would be easy (and if they did they lied) but I promise you there is a good reason and great outcome from it. Whatever it is. I promise you. So, clean up the milk, laugh at the situation and have a great day/week/month/year/life. Crap happens & God loves you, now have a nice day.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Application Process
So for school I needed to write an admissions essay... this is not something I'm used to. I decided to be transparent with this blog SO I decided to add it here. Let me know what you think. Thanks!
It was 7 am we had only been in New Orleans for about 5 hours, it was a long ride from Baltimore but the smell that just hit me made the trip the best idea ever. I was hungry, well I was always hungry but for some reason the smells that wafted through my Aunt Mildred’s house made a new hunger wake up in me, I needed to know what was going on. I decided sleep would come later, I needed to find the culprit. . I grabbed my best friend Sammy, my teddy bear-dog, and began my journey to find the smell that will evidentially change my life forever.
I walked through the house using my nose as a guide like a blood hound on a chase. Sammy and I arrived at the kitchen, what I saw was a bustle of activity. The kitchen had become a dance floor, 2 people dancing around but not even looking at each other. When my aunt would go up my cousin would go back, on at the chopping block one at the oven. Bending, turning all in the kitchen. I had only ever seen one person in the kitchen at a time.
I would watch my grandmother or my father cook, often. My dad would talk to himself the whole time, often eating the food as it cooked and getting very happy with the outcome. He would also make a mess of the kitchen until the last few minutes when he would wash everything. My grandmother was a much quieter cook. She would hum or sing if not fuss about the goings on in the other rooms of the house. She wouldn’t taste her food as she cooked she had full confidence in her sight and memory. She knew what it would taste like cause she had made it a million times before. If it was something she wasn’t sure she would call her sisters and they would walk her through it. If either one came into the kitchen while the other was cooking, it was like WW3. They would fuss each other out, and kick each other out the room. Often you heard "I don’t bother you when you cook don’t bother me when I cook". And I would sit and watch and take mental notes waiting for the chance to try a recipe or walk around the kitchen talking to myself, or on the phone with my granny getting a recipe as I cooked it.
This was totally different, the dance and the smells were totally foreign to me. They worked in silence adding things to each other’s pots when the other wasn’t looking. Ever so often looking up and winking at me with a smile. It was magical. Sammy and I sat in awe. With a smile and deep breathe the dance was over, the last pan out of the oven. A quick scan around the kitchen and finally my aunt yells "Breakfast!" I watched as my cousins and distant relatives complete with Bed head, PJs’ on and Eye crust in their eyes file in line one by one to eat good food and sit down, as I start to get up and get in line as not to miss out on the awesome my Aunt looks at me and tells me "Sit still, the cooks eat last sweetheart"
I wanted to cry. I was unsure if it was from happiness or sadness. I was so happy she called me a cook, but I was so sad I couldn’t eat. As I debated the irony of my predicament, my cousin handed me a plate. She smiled at me and said "JR Chef’s get an early plate to make sure everything taste ok, can you handle that job?" I shook my head scared that my voice would escape me if I tried to verbally answer. Before me was a plate of wonder and pure awesome. Fried Fish, Grits, a biscuit with some form of gravy on it, thick bacon, fried potatoes, cheese eggs and few pieces of fruit. Now the tears began to fall. It was so pretty, and I was so hungry. I had never seen these foods actually together for breakfast. I think I inhaled the food. My cousin stood and watched me. one I can up for air, drinking my full glass of milk she said "Safe?" I smiled and said "Yes Ma’am I think so".
After a quick shower and a hateful session getting my hair done, I took my seat by the kitchen I would spend the rest of our trip watching my aunt and cousin cook. Ribs, gumbo, rice and Beans, Fried chicken, Crawfish Po’Boys, even mini donuts covered in sugar. The end of that trip was bitter sweet, I of course was happy to go home see my parents and start tearing up the kitchen with the things I’ve watched for 4 days. But I never wanted to leave. I wanted to sit in my chair and watch them cook forever. But I had to go home. Summer only last so long.
When I got home, I began to cook anything. EVERYTHING! They didn’t all taste like New Orleans. Some were just plain nasty. But I tried. My father would later say "You were always a smarter and more adventurous cook than your grandmother and I, we are stubborn cooks. We do what we know, you like to try stuff you see, or think will taste good. Yes Culinary school will be great for you"
Still I struggled with the idea of being a chef. Even now I’m frightened by the idea of cooking for people other than my family and friends. When I cook I put my love in the pot and on the plate. I try to tell a story and invoke the same emotions I had the first time I fell in love with food. What do you do when they don’t love you back? How can a cooking school help me love people more? I want to learn how to make everyone feel loved. I want to know how food should taste and look, techniques and understand why I cry when I hear about a new recipe or taste an innovative dish. I feel and I know that L’Academie De Cuisine will help me start the journey to perfect the work that started, 20+ years ago in a kitchen in New Orleans.
It was 7 am we had only been in New Orleans for about 5 hours, it was a long ride from Baltimore but the smell that just hit me made the trip the best idea ever. I was hungry, well I was always hungry but for some reason the smells that wafted through my Aunt Mildred’s house made a new hunger wake up in me, I needed to know what was going on. I decided sleep would come later, I needed to find the culprit. . I grabbed my best friend Sammy, my teddy bear-dog, and began my journey to find the smell that will evidentially change my life forever.
I walked through the house using my nose as a guide like a blood hound on a chase. Sammy and I arrived at the kitchen, what I saw was a bustle of activity. The kitchen had become a dance floor, 2 people dancing around but not even looking at each other. When my aunt would go up my cousin would go back, on at the chopping block one at the oven. Bending, turning all in the kitchen. I had only ever seen one person in the kitchen at a time.
I would watch my grandmother or my father cook, often. My dad would talk to himself the whole time, often eating the food as it cooked and getting very happy with the outcome. He would also make a mess of the kitchen until the last few minutes when he would wash everything. My grandmother was a much quieter cook. She would hum or sing if not fuss about the goings on in the other rooms of the house. She wouldn’t taste her food as she cooked she had full confidence in her sight and memory. She knew what it would taste like cause she had made it a million times before. If it was something she wasn’t sure she would call her sisters and they would walk her through it. If either one came into the kitchen while the other was cooking, it was like WW3. They would fuss each other out, and kick each other out the room. Often you heard "I don’t bother you when you cook don’t bother me when I cook". And I would sit and watch and take mental notes waiting for the chance to try a recipe or walk around the kitchen talking to myself, or on the phone with my granny getting a recipe as I cooked it.
This was totally different, the dance and the smells were totally foreign to me. They worked in silence adding things to each other’s pots when the other wasn’t looking. Ever so often looking up and winking at me with a smile. It was magical. Sammy and I sat in awe. With a smile and deep breathe the dance was over, the last pan out of the oven. A quick scan around the kitchen and finally my aunt yells "Breakfast!" I watched as my cousins and distant relatives complete with Bed head, PJs’ on and Eye crust in their eyes file in line one by one to eat good food and sit down, as I start to get up and get in line as not to miss out on the awesome my Aunt looks at me and tells me "Sit still, the cooks eat last sweetheart"
I wanted to cry. I was unsure if it was from happiness or sadness. I was so happy she called me a cook, but I was so sad I couldn’t eat. As I debated the irony of my predicament, my cousin handed me a plate. She smiled at me and said "JR Chef’s get an early plate to make sure everything taste ok, can you handle that job?" I shook my head scared that my voice would escape me if I tried to verbally answer. Before me was a plate of wonder and pure awesome. Fried Fish, Grits, a biscuit with some form of gravy on it, thick bacon, fried potatoes, cheese eggs and few pieces of fruit. Now the tears began to fall. It was so pretty, and I was so hungry. I had never seen these foods actually together for breakfast. I think I inhaled the food. My cousin stood and watched me. one I can up for air, drinking my full glass of milk she said "Safe?" I smiled and said "Yes Ma’am I think so".
After a quick shower and a hateful session getting my hair done, I took my seat by the kitchen I would spend the rest of our trip watching my aunt and cousin cook. Ribs, gumbo, rice and Beans, Fried chicken, Crawfish Po’Boys, even mini donuts covered in sugar. The end of that trip was bitter sweet, I of course was happy to go home see my parents and start tearing up the kitchen with the things I’ve watched for 4 days. But I never wanted to leave. I wanted to sit in my chair and watch them cook forever. But I had to go home. Summer only last so long.
When I got home, I began to cook anything. EVERYTHING! They didn’t all taste like New Orleans. Some were just plain nasty. But I tried. My father would later say "You were always a smarter and more adventurous cook than your grandmother and I, we are stubborn cooks. We do what we know, you like to try stuff you see, or think will taste good. Yes Culinary school will be great for you"
Still I struggled with the idea of being a chef. Even now I’m frightened by the idea of cooking for people other than my family and friends. When I cook I put my love in the pot and on the plate. I try to tell a story and invoke the same emotions I had the first time I fell in love with food. What do you do when they don’t love you back? How can a cooking school help me love people more? I want to learn how to make everyone feel loved. I want to know how food should taste and look, techniques and understand why I cry when I hear about a new recipe or taste an innovative dish. I feel and I know that L’Academie De Cuisine will help me start the journey to perfect the work that started, 20+ years ago in a kitchen in New Orleans.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Enter catchy Title here
May I be honest?
These posts have become really hard for me to write. Not because I don't have anything to say but mainly because I've challenged myself to be honest and some stuff I just don't want you to know! (We are almost at double digits! WOOO WHHOO!)
Lately I have been struggling with a few things. My plan was to write about blog about expectations. Using my daughter and family as a very nice example on how we let our expectations get in the way of our reality. But... my expectation got in the way of my reality. So instead today I want to talk about some personal things. 1. How funny my money is and 2. how iffy my sexuality is. Please trust me when I say, this is a lot harder than I expected.
I have been arguing with God for a few weeks. I keep telling him, Hey I'm an heir I really need some directions, can you please tell me what to do next? His responses have been, well I don't know, He doesn't really "talk" to me the way other people say He talks to them.We don’t really have conversations per say. I’ll pray and then sometimes I just feel different about things or hear a word from different unrelated places that I take as a sign. Sometimes I'll understand something differently than I did before. Like is said not a conversation but communication none the less.
My issue has been that, I don’t know what to do next. I’m very happy to say that during the last few years I have moved from self-hate and guilt over my sexuality to understanding that God loves me. God is NOT disappointed in how I turned out and that I was the only one surprised or upset by my sexuality. I had a warped idea of God's love. I believed it to be conditional. I believed that if I was X, then He would Y, but the truth is He Is. God doesn't change in accordance to our situation or status. God is.
Unfortunately, it wasn't until recent years that I began to understand that truth. It wasn't until recent that I was able to accept the Love God had shown to me not because I deserve it but because He gave it. Though I was surrounded by love and caring family and friends that knew my status I was scared that I was not living up to the promise. I was convinced that like a drunk person needs to get sober first that I needed to get straight first before I did anything meaningful and successful in the body of Christ.
I was miserable. I was too straight to be gay and too gay to be straight. I was a walking contradiction. I was so full of words and love from God but I was too scared to say anything because maybe my gay would fall out and I would lose all credibility. Gay and Christian is supposed to be an anomaly. You’re just not normal. Something is wrong, you must have been molested or raped or hurting inside. You have daddy or mommy issues. Your parents don’t love you enough. I believed by admitting I was gay I was admitting that the enemy had me. I was scared that even if I spoke of my gay it would become truth, and I so wanted it to be a lie. I so wanted to be normal and holy and godly and a good Christian, there was no way I could do that if I were Gay. I was abnormal and not very useful. And just in case you need to hear this, Those are ALL lies from the pit of hell.
After a few talks with my Pastor and even trying to run away from a few conversations with my associate pastor I came to the realization that God is not limited to my holiness or lack thereof. I had to realize that though God is very capable of turning a gay person straight that was may not be the lot he had for me. He wants me to be whole. He wants me to love me so I can better love you. He wants to be ok with whatsoever He decides for my life. The problem comes in when I began to accept myself but I had no idea what to do with myself.
I thank God for my Pastors and friends that prayed for me and helped me to understand the Truth of God. Which is simply put: Cynethia, I love you I love you I love you- God. Gay Straight black or white He loves you. I won’t get into the argument of born gay vs. choosing gay. I won’t bore you with the 7 verses that are anti Gay in the whole bible vs. the many more about loving each other and not judging but I digress.
These posts have become really hard for me to write. Not because I don't have anything to say but mainly because I've challenged myself to be honest and some stuff I just don't want you to know! (We are almost at double digits! WOOO WHHOO!)
Lately I have been struggling with a few things. My plan was to write about blog about expectations. Using my daughter and family as a very nice example on how we let our expectations get in the way of our reality. But... my expectation got in the way of my reality. So instead today I want to talk about some personal things. 1. How funny my money is and 2. how iffy my sexuality is. Please trust me when I say, this is a lot harder than I expected.
I have been arguing with God for a few weeks. I keep telling him, Hey I'm an heir I really need some directions, can you please tell me what to do next? His responses have been, well I don't know, He doesn't really "talk" to me the way other people say He talks to them.We don’t really have conversations per say. I’ll pray and then sometimes I just feel different about things or hear a word from different unrelated places that I take as a sign. Sometimes I'll understand something differently than I did before. Like is said not a conversation but communication none the less.
My issue has been that, I don’t know what to do next. I’m very happy to say that during the last few years I have moved from self-hate and guilt over my sexuality to understanding that God loves me. God is NOT disappointed in how I turned out and that I was the only one surprised or upset by my sexuality. I had a warped idea of God's love. I believed it to be conditional. I believed that if I was X, then He would Y, but the truth is He Is. God doesn't change in accordance to our situation or status. God is.
Unfortunately, it wasn't until recent years that I began to understand that truth. It wasn't until recent that I was able to accept the Love God had shown to me not because I deserve it but because He gave it. Though I was surrounded by love and caring family and friends that knew my status I was scared that I was not living up to the promise. I was convinced that like a drunk person needs to get sober first that I needed to get straight first before I did anything meaningful and successful in the body of Christ.
I was miserable. I was too straight to be gay and too gay to be straight. I was a walking contradiction. I was so full of words and love from God but I was too scared to say anything because maybe my gay would fall out and I would lose all credibility. Gay and Christian is supposed to be an anomaly. You’re just not normal. Something is wrong, you must have been molested or raped or hurting inside. You have daddy or mommy issues. Your parents don’t love you enough. I believed by admitting I was gay I was admitting that the enemy had me. I was scared that even if I spoke of my gay it would become truth, and I so wanted it to be a lie. I so wanted to be normal and holy and godly and a good Christian, there was no way I could do that if I were Gay. I was abnormal and not very useful. And just in case you need to hear this, Those are ALL lies from the pit of hell.
After a few talks with my Pastor and even trying to run away from a few conversations with my associate pastor I came to the realization that God is not limited to my holiness or lack thereof. I had to realize that though God is very capable of turning a gay person straight that was may not be the lot he had for me. He wants me to be whole. He wants me to love me so I can better love you. He wants to be ok with whatsoever He decides for my life. The problem comes in when I began to accept myself but I had no idea what to do with myself.
I thank God for my Pastors and friends that prayed for me and helped me to understand the Truth of God. Which is simply put: Cynethia, I love you I love you I love you- God. Gay Straight black or white He loves you. I won’t get into the argument of born gay vs. choosing gay. I won’t bore you with the 7 verses that are anti Gay in the whole bible vs. the many more about loving each other and not judging but I digress.
So I have spent that last few weeks saying “Ok God, So, I’m cool with being Gay, but now what? Do I get married? Do I do ministry now? Do I start a gay ministry? Do I argue with anti gays? What now? I want to do want you want me to do but I don’t know what that is, so I’ll sit here and wait” Do you know what happened? I realized that God wanted me to do what he told me to do, and just like you I sat and said “And that was what?” I had no clue, what He wanted from me. I had been focused on being ok with myself, I had taken notes when God said, whatever He said when he said it. Doesn’t he know I forgot? I would like a reminder or something!
Then I realized there was one area that I was wanting to trust Him in but I wasn’t fully and that brings me to money. God was very specific with money issues in the Bible. He wasn’t always as clear with other issues. I often reminded Him of this I would pray and say “Hey God! How you been? Good um, you never said, yes or no or the gay thing completely or which marriage is “correct” or if slavery is really wrong or dating only your color or premarital sex – when are you married? When you have sex? Or when you sign the papers? just be real with me, Tell me what I need to do! I want to have kids, I want to get married, so what’s allowed and not allowed? Don’t worry I have my paper today I’ll take notes”
Then, God made clear to me – Pay your tithes. I know what you’re thinking. What? What does money have to do with your sexuality? I was thoroughly confused. Slowly I began to realize this is really about that. See Obedience is better than sacrifice. I need to stop and follow the truths that I’m sure of while I search for answers to the questions I don’t know. I need to do what the Lord said clearly before I ask Him to make clear the murky places.
Pay your tithes Cynethia. No, it’s doesn’t make sense. You make $1100 a paycheck your rent is $1380 and your bills are about $300 a month not including groceries, and don’t forget the money you owe girl scouts, the soccer coach and your overdrawn bank account, yeah and just like I knew you were gay long before you knew, I also knew your finances would never be a mess, so submit and pay your tithes. Take the limits off and see Me work in your finances. OBEY me. Stop worrying about who to marry, what your church will say if you get married, stop worrying about getting pregnant and how that will look to the kingdom stop worrying about all the stuff I have yet to reveal to you, and do the last thing I told you to do. Tithe.
That’s where I’m at. I won’t worry about or try to understand anything else until I obey the commands I know. This may not be a great message of hope and it may be more information than I really wanted to share, but I’ve decided to just obey. It doesn’t always make sense, but I’m trusting that this is about that and that this will help someone somewhere. I pray for God’s blessing over this post and the readers. I pray that God will fix up any and every trick of the enemy to use this for bad. I pray the spirit of fear and confusion die right now as you read this and every time someone reads this and I pray that the spirit of compassion and love will live and thrive in your life. I pray for courage and strength and ways to show God’s radical love to others. I pray for you and I pray you will pray for me.
Thank you for reading.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
MIddle school and such
Control:
1 a archaic : to check, test, or verify by evidence or experiments b : to incorporate suitable controls in <a controlled experiment>
2a : to exercise restraining or directing influence over : regulate b : to have power over : rule c : to reduce the incidence or severity of especially to innocuous levels <control an insect population> <control a disease>
Sometime a few years ago, The princess of Pop Janet Jackson broke away from her controlling father and family and performed what would be the anthem for all 17 and newly 18 year olds! Amidst the keyboard guitar solos and the cabbage patch you had a song about proclaiming your freedom and taking control of your life. In my humble opinion Janet had it right! Join with me as I sing "Controoolll, to get what I want, Controooll, I've got to have a lot, Cooonntrrooll NOW I'M ALL GROWN UP! Whew" Ok I'll just put the link up.
This has been a really hard post to write for me. I'm not really sure why but I'm absolutely tired of learning the lesson so I'm just going to write whats on my minds heart and see what happens. I am going to relinquish control.
The last few weeks I have become a mantra repeating mother telling my daughter "You can only control what you can control, and what can you control?" She had a lot of anxiety about school, some family issues and a new apartment we moved to. I spent most of our time together listening to her issues and reminding her of how little control she had over the situations. And then.
Last week, my daughter started middle school and she was having a hard time making friends. My first instincts were to go fix it. To call the counselor to send a letter to a teacher or something to help the situation. I would give it a little bit of time, and then I would do what a mother does, and fix whatever is broken. On the 3rd day of school, tiredness and anxiety is kicking in hard core, and my daughter starts to cry on our walk to school. She's worried about so much and there is so little we can do.
After a few encouraging words and a hug I left her at school and proceeded my walk to work. I was 3 feet from the school when I started crying. Not just a few tears but hard ugly shaking sobs of despair, anger and fear. I was sad my baby was hurting I was worried that it wouldn't get better and I was pissed off that my phone didn't have the counselor's number so I could call him on my walk to tell him to do his job and help my baby. I was a mess but I walked my daily mile to work, head down crying and praying to God to send my baby a friend or something to last her until I could get up there to fix everything.
When I got to work my coworker and I were talking about our mornings and I shared my worries. She looked at me and said "Cynethia, you can't control it, you have to let it go" I would love to be able to tell you that I let it go then, that I decided to relinquish my control but I didn't. Instead I secretly drafted a plan of attack for the just in case I'm needed situation. I decided not to go up there to fix it but to get my ducks in a row just in case. At dinner that night I was informed that she made a friend, somebody sat with her a lunch. She was content. How ever, this was still not enough for me. I wanted a lifelong friendship for her I had high hopes for her relationships. She spoke very little about these friends but she didn't hate the apartment or school as much. So my plan was to wait it out.
Then today, as I dropped her off at school, there stood 2 little girls, waiting for my daughter. They were excited to see her and they didn't even notice me standing there. They saw each other and started talking instantly. My Daughter left me standing there no bye mom, no hug nothing... she just left me to go with her friends.
I'm not sure what the outcome will be I'm not sure if they will be friends I approve of. I don't even know what type of parents they have. But I do know when and if I relinquish control to the one that's already in control it makes it easier for me to cope. I know that I can't control what I can't control. I used this tactic last weekend when I dropped my brother off to college in Maine (Outside of the 4 hour radius rule I given each of my siblings) I used this when Toni brought home a puppy that I SPECIFICALLY told her NOT to buy. And even with this blog, wanting my posts to be great and interesting, trying to control the events in my life to bring about a more thought provoking post. I have decided to relinquish control. Whatever may be will be. I can only control what I can control.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Leaps and Bounds
To leap: to spring free from or as if from the ground : 2 a : to pass abruptly from one state or topic to another b : to act precipitately <leaped at the chance>
One of the differences I noticed with the word leap and words jump or bounce was that a leap has a destination. You can Jump and Bounce aimlessly, but if you leap somewhere it's almost like your trying to get somewhere or you have an intended outcome in mind.
When I started this journey of self discovery I realized early on I had no idea which way I should leap. I wanted to make the right choice early on, in hopes the outcome would be easier to obtain. I think this thought is a common hangup for a lot people, we get so worried with which way we should go first we forget to take the trip. After some thought, I decided I would tackle either the most feared leap OR the leap that I believed would get me the farthest in the long run. Marriage is my most feared leap for various reason (long story- I'm yet praying). I feel like going to school would be the most beneficial but also the hardest for me.
For years I have wanted to go to school but I have strategically placed grand supposedly insurmountable fears in my way. My mind would ponder questions that I had no answers for; What do you do with dreams fulfilled? What do I do if it's not as fun as I think it will be? What do I do IF it is too hard? Isn't it easier to never try than deal with the agony of defeat? What if I'm more like the Hillman dropout Denise and not the Princeton Graduate Sondra? So for years I sat around pondering questions over and over again, never risking the chance of answering them or taking a minute to discuss them. I would just hold on to them scared that even acknowledgement of the questions would bring me closer to a end I was unsure of. I notice that most of my angst would come in August and September whenever I would take my daughter school shopping. It also got worst as 2 of my siblings proudly started their academic journey.
I would find myself in Target walking and daydreaming of days at the Pit with Mr. Gains, Kim, Dwayne, Ron, Freddy and Whitley, even hanging with Lena and Charmaine in my later years. How I would be close friends with Lena and we would talk about her life and she would grow and change from a roughneck Piccolo/Tupac lover to a Dorian/Church-boy virginity stealer to finally finding true love and marrying Will Smith a homeboy we meet in Philly one weekend on vacation. I should have went to college! Whenever I would watch reruns of A Different World I would berate myself for never applying to Spellman like I intended 10+ years ago. The journey of a thousand steps starts with one so, I decided to apply. No, not to Spellman because that plus my dreams of being the first Black Female President are long over, but to quench the yearning in my heart I needed to consider Culinary Arts School.
Obviously, my first step was to find the school, I decided to use the magic problem solver, we all know as Google and find out if there were any viable options in the area. Much to my surprise, I live 10 mins away from a Top Culinary Arts School. After some research I discovered they are a great fit for me and great option for my intended career plan. Classes don't start for a few months so I even have enough time to apply for financial aid and admissions.
I know what your thinking! All signs that I should LEAP, but to be honest, I've been here before. I am very comfortable in the "Got my information but no commitment needed" place. This is the place where you have all the information you need to make the change, but you still falter with the follow-thru. You want to go but you don't actually go because you want to make sure the green light you see is not really darkish bluish yellow so you wait for fear you may cause an accident. I have received many information packets from local universities and I've read more college applications than a promising 12th grader. I can very well, stop my journey now with the information and fill somewhat accomplished with at least finding out some options, but this time I feel different.
This time I want to leap! I need a place to land so this time decided to follow thru. I actually spoke to the admissions office. I told them my goals and got the steps for admissions. The first problem to tackle would be money. I need to fill out a FASFA application and this can be time consuming, decisions decisions, I decided to spend my next few minutes on me. I would pull my taxes and complete the forms and submit the information. However, I couldn't find my taxes from last year. Not a big deal, I let the ball of productivity keep rolling and I called yes CALLED the IRS to get a copy of my transcript. I sat a nervous ball of energy waiting on hold for at least 32 mins, finally I spoke to a lovely tax agent that basically said, "We've been looking for you Ms. Williams I'm so glad you called, your taxes were never processed from last year so we were about to put a levy on you for the amount you owed in 2007 and 2009"
What da what and take da what? YOUR GLAD I CALLED!? Don't ya'll have my number? Ya'll couldn't send me a e-mail or text or something? a Letter? Nothing!? You were just waiting on me to call in? Now, I don't want rumors to start that I'm bout that cursing at the IRS life, cause I'm not. Those were all secret thoughts, when i truly said "Oh, Really? Ok, um, do you need my address?" I realize that may make me seem like a punk, but there are very few people that have enough guts to yell at the IRS, and I'm proud to say I'm not one of them. I might be willing to sell bibles in China or fight a thief if they tried to steal my purse, I may even chase a kid down if he bumps into me on the sidewalk but there is no way I'm going to yell at a tax agent. Nope not gonna do it! After a few minutes on hold and a few questions from the very nice Tax Agent, my account was placed on hold and I was given a date to look for my information so I can submit my taxes.
Typically this would be where I respectfully backed down off the ledge and traded my leaping shoes for standing and helping others leap shoes. This struggle would be what I used as my get out of commitment sign. However, like I said earlier this time something will be different. A little discouraged I sat and I recalled something I read and was reminded that whenever God calls you to do something, it's the enemy's job to try and stop you. We shouldn't take it personally it's what he's supposed to do, kill, steal & destroy. But check this out, the enemy can try but he can't succeed without approval. He can only do what he has permission to do, and if God has called you to do something - your supposed to do it. Therefore, if you quit a battle you've already won, you forfeit. That would be a Win you treat as an Loss, not to mention that's just a waste of time. You don't have to fight battles you've already won, you won! You show up and get your trophy/prize/spoils of war/etc. The good news is, there is no statue of limitations to pick up your prizes. If there was a battle you won but ignorantly forfeited, don't worry go get your stuff. You can even start the celebration now because basically you've won you just never acted like it. SO all that to say, my plan with my new found IRS/Financial Aid/Admission issues will be thus:
I'll make the food you bring drinks and Tommy will bring the paper plates, My graduation Party will be roughly sometime in April 2013 or so. Save the date!
And Lastly, Does anyone know a good accountant?
Love you!
Cynethia
One of the differences I noticed with the word leap and words jump or bounce was that a leap has a destination. You can Jump and Bounce aimlessly, but if you leap somewhere it's almost like your trying to get somewhere or you have an intended outcome in mind.
When I started this journey of self discovery I realized early on I had no idea which way I should leap. I wanted to make the right choice early on, in hopes the outcome would be easier to obtain. I think this thought is a common hangup for a lot people, we get so worried with which way we should go first we forget to take the trip. After some thought, I decided I would tackle either the most feared leap OR the leap that I believed would get me the farthest in the long run. Marriage is my most feared leap for various reason (long story- I'm yet praying). I feel like going to school would be the most beneficial but also the hardest for me.
For years I have wanted to go to school but I have strategically placed grand supposedly insurmountable fears in my way. My mind would ponder questions that I had no answers for; What do you do with dreams fulfilled? What do I do if it's not as fun as I think it will be? What do I do IF it is too hard? Isn't it easier to never try than deal with the agony of defeat? What if I'm more like the Hillman dropout Denise and not the Princeton Graduate Sondra? So for years I sat around pondering questions over and over again, never risking the chance of answering them or taking a minute to discuss them. I would just hold on to them scared that even acknowledgement of the questions would bring me closer to a end I was unsure of. I notice that most of my angst would come in August and September whenever I would take my daughter school shopping. It also got worst as 2 of my siblings proudly started their academic journey.
I would find myself in Target walking and daydreaming of days at the Pit with Mr. Gains, Kim, Dwayne, Ron, Freddy and Whitley, even hanging with Lena and Charmaine in my later years. How I would be close friends with Lena and we would talk about her life and she would grow and change from a roughneck Piccolo/Tupac lover to a Dorian/Church-boy virginity stealer to finally finding true love and marrying Will Smith a homeboy we meet in Philly one weekend on vacation. I should have went to college! Whenever I would watch reruns of A Different World I would berate myself for never applying to Spellman like I intended 10+ years ago. The journey of a thousand steps starts with one so, I decided to apply. No, not to Spellman because that plus my dreams of being the first Black Female President are long over, but to quench the yearning in my heart I needed to consider Culinary Arts School.
Obviously, my first step was to find the school, I decided to use the magic problem solver, we all know as Google and find out if there were any viable options in the area. Much to my surprise, I live 10 mins away from a Top Culinary Arts School. After some research I discovered they are a great fit for me and great option for my intended career plan. Classes don't start for a few months so I even have enough time to apply for financial aid and admissions.
I know what your thinking! All signs that I should LEAP, but to be honest, I've been here before. I am very comfortable in the "Got my information but no commitment needed" place. This is the place where you have all the information you need to make the change, but you still falter with the follow-thru. You want to go but you don't actually go because you want to make sure the green light you see is not really darkish bluish yellow so you wait for fear you may cause an accident. I have received many information packets from local universities and I've read more college applications than a promising 12th grader. I can very well, stop my journey now with the information and fill somewhat accomplished with at least finding out some options, but this time I feel different.
This time I want to leap! I need a place to land so this time decided to follow thru. I actually spoke to the admissions office. I told them my goals and got the steps for admissions. The first problem to tackle would be money. I need to fill out a FASFA application and this can be time consuming, decisions decisions, I decided to spend my next few minutes on me. I would pull my taxes and complete the forms and submit the information. However, I couldn't find my taxes from last year. Not a big deal, I let the ball of productivity keep rolling and I called yes CALLED the IRS to get a copy of my transcript. I sat a nervous ball of energy waiting on hold for at least 32 mins, finally I spoke to a lovely tax agent that basically said, "We've been looking for you Ms. Williams I'm so glad you called, your taxes were never processed from last year so we were about to put a levy on you for the amount you owed in 2007 and 2009"
What da what and take da what? YOUR GLAD I CALLED!? Don't ya'll have my number? Ya'll couldn't send me a e-mail or text or something? a Letter? Nothing!? You were just waiting on me to call in? Now, I don't want rumors to start that I'm bout that cursing at the IRS life, cause I'm not. Those were all secret thoughts, when i truly said "Oh, Really? Ok, um, do you need my address?" I realize that may make me seem like a punk, but there are very few people that have enough guts to yell at the IRS, and I'm proud to say I'm not one of them. I might be willing to sell bibles in China or fight a thief if they tried to steal my purse, I may even chase a kid down if he bumps into me on the sidewalk but there is no way I'm going to yell at a tax agent. Nope not gonna do it! After a few minutes on hold and a few questions from the very nice Tax Agent, my account was placed on hold and I was given a date to look for my information so I can submit my taxes.
Typically this would be where I respectfully backed down off the ledge and traded my leaping shoes for standing and helping others leap shoes. This struggle would be what I used as my get out of commitment sign. However, like I said earlier this time something will be different. A little discouraged I sat and I recalled something I read and was reminded that whenever God calls you to do something, it's the enemy's job to try and stop you. We shouldn't take it personally it's what he's supposed to do, kill, steal & destroy. But check this out, the enemy can try but he can't succeed without approval. He can only do what he has permission to do, and if God has called you to do something - your supposed to do it. Therefore, if you quit a battle you've already won, you forfeit. That would be a Win you treat as an Loss, not to mention that's just a waste of time. You don't have to fight battles you've already won, you won! You show up and get your trophy/prize/spoils of war/etc. The good news is, there is no statue of limitations to pick up your prizes. If there was a battle you won but ignorantly forfeited, don't worry go get your stuff. You can even start the celebration now because basically you've won you just never acted like it. SO all that to say, my plan with my new found IRS/Financial Aid/Admission issues will be thus:
I'll make the food you bring drinks and Tommy will bring the paper plates, My graduation Party will be roughly sometime in April 2013 or so. Save the date!
And Lastly, Does anyone know a good accountant?
Love you!
Cynethia
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Taking the Leap
Last night as I went through my typical night-time routine, I got mad at Toni for something she probably didn't do, grabbed my nook from in front of the TV, went to the bedroom and turned on my DVD player and began to watch my latest HIMYM DVD I received from Netflix. I got comfy in bed as I waited patiently for sleep to overtake my mind and introduce me to non eventful night of slumber.
Instead, I watched episode after episode of what has become my new favorite show. I am currently on the last disk of the 4th season. The last episode of this season is called Taking the Leap. It is centered around a few characters taking some proverbial leaps in their life, Barney - Relationships; Ted - career; Marshall - an actually Leap (lol very funny stuff).
At the end of the episode I was motivated to take a Leap - any leap, I wanted to Jump off my bed, or start a ministry (even though I'm currently in charge of at least 2) I wanted to get up and bake a cake from scratch or start school or find a new job I was motivated! WHICH is probably mostly why I'm even bothering to write a post today (see! it's all about the leap!)
SO as I was debating jumping off my bed into my closet mimicking a 30 year old version of Gabby Douglas I was reminded and sadden by the years I wasted waiting for some sign or some Green light to live my life. I've wasted so much time waiting to go that I forgot to just go. Waiting to live your life is a waste of life, time and energy. We want our kids to have healthy self images, to be kind and caring and happy and fulfilled but we wait to live our lives until they start to lives their own, we wait and sit and take care of so many people and put things not only in front of ourselves but God in order to please others and not God. Listen, God wants us to be fulfilled to be happy, to lean on him to fix all the issues we have and to live burden free. Our chief concern should be focused on the how to Love each other more, and how to make sure the ones who feel unloved know the truth is they really are.
But I digress, my point is, (please excuse the language) I'm bout to live. I'm going to travel, my daughter and I will leave the country, We will taste other food, we will meet other people, we will work not to pay bills but to give to God, and others. We will experience life and find our passions. I will go to school, I will try all the things I think I like untill I find the things I love. I will wake up early (This is going to be the hardest) and spend Time with my Lord, I will commune with him and Pray out loud. I will lose all cool when He blesses me. I will speak up. I will laugh more. I will remove all the things that weigh me down and I will run to the mark and fulfill the destiny I AM purposed for. I am excited and I will no longer have more excuse than progress. Today my friends is the day it will all change, today I will make my leap.
Now, which way do I leap? Because I honestly have no idea! lol
Instead, I watched episode after episode of what has become my new favorite show. I am currently on the last disk of the 4th season. The last episode of this season is called Taking the Leap. It is centered around a few characters taking some proverbial leaps in their life, Barney - Relationships; Ted - career; Marshall - an actually Leap (lol very funny stuff).
At the end of the episode I was motivated to take a Leap - any leap, I wanted to Jump off my bed, or start a ministry (even though I'm currently in charge of at least 2) I wanted to get up and bake a cake from scratch or start school or find a new job I was motivated! WHICH is probably mostly why I'm even bothering to write a post today (see! it's all about the leap!)
SO as I was debating jumping off my bed into my closet mimicking a 30 year old version of Gabby Douglas I was reminded and sadden by the years I wasted waiting for some sign or some Green light to live my life. I've wasted so much time waiting to go that I forgot to just go. Waiting to live your life is a waste of life, time and energy. We want our kids to have healthy self images, to be kind and caring and happy and fulfilled but we wait to live our lives until they start to lives their own, we wait and sit and take care of so many people and put things not only in front of ourselves but God in order to please others and not God. Listen, God wants us to be fulfilled to be happy, to lean on him to fix all the issues we have and to live burden free. Our chief concern should be focused on the how to Love each other more, and how to make sure the ones who feel unloved know the truth is they really are.
But I digress, my point is, (please excuse the language) I'm bout to live. I'm going to travel, my daughter and I will leave the country, We will taste other food, we will meet other people, we will work not to pay bills but to give to God, and others. We will experience life and find our passions. I will go to school, I will try all the things I think I like untill I find the things I love. I will wake up early (This is going to be the hardest) and spend Time with my Lord, I will commune with him and Pray out loud. I will lose all cool when He blesses me. I will speak up. I will laugh more. I will remove all the things that weigh me down and I will run to the mark and fulfill the destiny I AM purposed for. I am excited and I will no longer have more excuse than progress. Today my friends is the day it will all change, today I will make my leap.
Now, which way do I leap? Because I honestly have no idea! lol
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