Monday, January 21, 2013

Last Night I had a Dream

Last night I had a dream that I was standing around with some church family, we might have been visiting a hospital or something similar. As we were standing, My Rev. happened to look at me and noticed my sullen state, and told Ms. Candace (one of my favorite members) "Figure out whats going on and let me know what you need" Ms. Candace then came over to me and gave me one of those side hugs and asked very cordially "How's your mother doing?" I looked at her and started to cry, as I searched for the words to answer her question, Then she said, "Ok, then Where is Granny Vines?" I then began to try to explain that she wasn't coming but I was crying too hard. I continued to cry harder and harder unto the point I woke myself up. I was so confused at first I just kept crying and as the haze of sleepiness wore off I realized that my dream had uncovered some issues that I was unwillingly having to deal with.

Yesterday, Elder Vikki Johnson wrote on her Facebook Page  "I had a dream last night that I believe is for some of you. It seems like people & things are rapidly "disconnecting"­, shifting around, or being removed from your life. Surrender to it. Stop trying to "hold on" as God is making room in your life for what's coming. The HIGHER you go, the lighter & more flexible you need to be to maneuver in your life's purpose!" This was for me very coincidental because the day prior I had a friend tell me she was feeling disconnected from me. She gave her reasons which I will save for another post and though I disagree with her I respect them and after some time to think I decided to just be me, and let God control the rest. So when I saw the above message I KNEW it was God telling me to let go and move along.

So I started my Sunday in high hopes. I knew I would miss church because of my daughters basketball game but I set a side a few moments of prayer made some breakfast and proceeded with my day. We had a great basketball game, though my daughter wasn't feel well. She spent most of the game sleep in my lap. We decided after to game to go visit my grandmother. My daughter wanted to hang out, so it took her a few hours to realize that she was sick and needed to lay down, she slept most of the day but the rest of us had a great time. It was a full of playing cards and laughter, we ate hot dogs and beans and talked. I had a few questions I wanted to ask her but I couldn't find the nerve so I just listened and tried to sneak the questions in the conversation, to no avail. As we were beginning to leave My grandma remembered that she recently found a letter my father wrote a few months after my birth admitting his paternity. I was overcome with gratitude that a young man back in 1982 would adopt me at 3 months old as his own. In my moment of clarity I asked my first question, "Grandma, if Toni and I were to get married would you come?" She replied quickly and in certainty "No, I will not" I reminded her that she had said the same about my cousins wedding, and we both went to that wedding, but she said again "No, I'm telling you now, I'm not going to be there, I wont come to your wedding"

Initially, I felt sad. Sad that I couldn't be what she wanted me to be. Sad that I disappointed her. I was sad because I had already decided that part of my wedding plans would be to honor her somehow or at least thank her publicly. I was sad because as my therapist so awesomely explained her approval means a lot to me and the fact that she clearly does not approve of my relationship really hurt my feelings. We talked some more about less touchy subjects and finally we left. Toni and I talked briefly about grandma's decision in the car ride home, but I decided secretly I wasn't going to worry about it. I would just do whatever God told me to do. Sad or not.

When we got home, I prepared my daughter for bed and she started crying cause she just didn't feel good. She didn't enjoy feeling so crappy and she wanted her relief sooner rather than later. I looked down  at the mini me in pain in front of me and simply said "I know it sucks". I didn't realize it then but I had just spoken to myself. So later that night when my sobs of disappointment woke me from my deep sleep I reminded myself that I made a decision to let it go! Why then are you still crying? The problem was I didn't know how to fully let go. I thought I had, but when you wake up in the middle of the night crying it may be an indication that you need to deal with something. As the sun rose and the sobs started to ease I began to realize what I missed in my letting go was allowing myself to grieve. I had not given in to the grief of unfulfilled expectations. I had let go but didn't allow myself to cry over the lost.

So today I thank God that last night I had a dream. A dream that allowed me to voice those things that I wanted and let go of the things I can't change. I thank God for the dreams. The dream of me and my future wife in a paid for house sending our children to school. The dream of my brother making the dean's list and graduating magna cum laude. Dreams of debt free living. I didn't know I needed to dream but I'm very grateful to God that last night I finally did.