Suicide

I remember when I tried to kill myself I was in high school I think, 9th grade. It was somewhere between my sisters' death and my first abortion. I drank some medicine we had leftover from when I had mono (I was NOT kissing boys I was sharing food and drinks with my friends -don't judge) But I drank this medicine wrote a goodbye letter and waited.. but nothing happened. Looking back I should have drank more than the swig I took (it was nasty) and medicine that is expired does lose some potency. My Mother found me and my letter and initial yelled. I'm pretty sure she was scared and confused as to why her oldest child would want to kill herself. I remember her telling me how selfish suicide is. And She was telling the truth. Suicide is selfish. When your in that space your thinking Me dead is easier for everyone. This doesn't seem a very selfish thing to think on the surface but in actuality, it's pride that makes us unwilling to say Ouch. It's pride that caused me to say I'm going to die instead of asking for help. It sucks and I know it's not nice to say but if you unwilling to get help for fear of how it will effect others your prideful and judgmental, and your judging yourself worst than anyone else will.

I was 30 when I find out I had depression. My only suicide attempt was in my Freshman year of High School. I never spoke about it again because I never considered it a defining part in my life. It was more like a mistake that I was saved from. The last few weeks/months have been hard for me. I thought it was nothing i was just tired. I thought maybe it was anxiety with the new job, maybe the kids being seniors, lack of sex I didn't know i just knew it had been a hard few months. I didn't want go out. I didn't want to work out (i never want to work out) I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to cook. I just wanted to sit and think or sleep and read. I'll want to go outside but the amount of effort it would take to get up and get ready was more than I had to give. Even now, right now it's taken me 3 days to write this post because I can't make myself care enough to do it and finish and proof read and think. It's Effort. Depression is not about being sad all day or crying it's about being in a state of blah. I don't know how else to explain it.

Imagine being on the beach when a bad storm comes in you take cover and wait for it to pass.  But it never really passes all the way there is still an overcast, and some showers. Then one day you look and see sunshine on the other side of the beach, but to get to it you have to go through a ditch. Now, you can sit comfortable in the gloomy skies and annoying mist OR you can jump the ditch. IF you decide to jump in the ditch you'll soon realize it is full of quicksand and about midday just when you finish with that it turns into tar and it gets harder then you get to the edge but before you can get to the sunshine you have to climb a the wall of the ditch. And when you get to the top of the wall and you finally get out the ditch your tired. But your scared that IF you allow yourself to sleep you might miss the sun you worked so hard to get to. So you have to learn to trust yourself and your weaknesses then you get to enjoy the sun, and ever so often you turn around and see the ditch and gloominess you ran from. When you take drugs, it gives you a ladder to use to help but you still have to do it.

I want you to know this. It's ok to say ouch. It's ok to scream OUCH!!!, FUCK this hurts. DAMN IT this sucks I want OUT I can't do this, It's ok. Say it.. say it loudly scream it. It's ok. There are people that are paid to hear you. People who are paid to listen and teach you how to get through the ditch. Speak up. We want to hear you. We want to help you. We really do love you. I know it's hard and if i could walk through the ditch for you I would, but I can't. So I'll walk through my ditch, and when i get out I'll cook you something so that when your finished we can break bread together.

I need you to survive.